"Laughing in the Light"

1. I was such an unpopular child even my spirit guides wouldn't speak to me!
2. We were so poor when I was growing up my first form of divination was reading Dirt as I was forbidden to waste Tealeaves.
3. My spirit guides used to follow me to school just to telepathically send me all the wrong answers on the test finals.
4. Never trust a clairaudient voice that tries to sell you a used car.
5. "If you see a worry walking down the street, don't run too fast, it'll catch you."
6. Under no circumstances ever attempt to channel Talullah Bankhead, she'll make you laugh like a hyena, do cartwheels in the nude and leave you smelling of bourbon with a nasty hangover. Ugh!
7. A message of hope to my friends with sick children. If they are afraid of needles, take them to a witch doctor. It's cheaper, and THRILLING as well!
8. Take my Aura, Please!
9. Rule of thumb at a séance: Just because they're dead doesn't mean they're smart!
10. Don't believe in Hollywood's version of "The Exorcist". Green Pea Soup is not only delicious but good for you as well!
11. Stay at least 10 feet away from ectoplasm, it rots your teeth and makes your armpits itch.
12. There were 13, not 12 at "The Last Supper"; The hostess was also the artist.
13. Our modern day pictures of "The Last Supper" were taken from the negatives.
14. If there were fire ants, would Buddha have still sat that long under the bodhi tree?
15. Gypsy's don't have babies because their husbands have crystal balls.
16. If the Divine is a man, where does he keep his…never mind.
17. If the Divine is a woman, then the "Dark Ages" must have been PMS.
18. Never sing the "Oscar Meyer Weiner" song to a Genie!
19. If Shirley MacLaine's Spirit Guides chose her scripts, how many academy awards would she have by now?
20. "Feng Shui" is not restroom etiquette.