Composing, Balancing or Alternate Thoughts

In the long run, you are probably better off making no inferences about people at all. Either believe what they tell you or hold no belief at all until some conclusive evidence comes your way. Treat all of your notions about people as hypotheses to be tested and checked out by asking them.

Sometimes you can't check out your interpretations. For instance, you may not be ready to ask your daughter if her withdrawal from family life means she's pregnant or taking drugs. But you can allay your anxiety by generating alternative interpretations of her behavior. Perhaps she's in love. Or premenstrual. Or studying hard. Or depressed about something. Or deeply engrossed in a project. Or worrying about her future. By generating a string of possibilities, you may find a more neutral interpretation that's as likely to be true as your direst suspicions. This process also underlines the fact that you really can't know accurately what others are thinking and feeling unless they tell you.

5. Catastrophizing

Catastrophizing is the royal road to anxiety. As soon as you catch yourself catastrophizing, ask yourself, "What are the odds?" Make an honest assessment of the situation in terms of odds or percent of probability. Are the chances of disaster one in 100,000 (.001 percent)? One in a thousand (.1 percent)? One in twenty (5 percent)? Looking at the odds helps you realistically evaluate whatever is frightening you.

6. Magnifying

To combat magnifying, stop using words like terrible, awful, disgusting, horrendous, etc. In particular, banish phrases like: "I can't stand it," "It's impossible," "It's unbearable." You can stand it, because history shows that human beings can survive almost any psychological blow and can endure incredible physical pain. You can get used to and cope with almost anything. Try saying to yourself phrases such as "I can cope" and "I can survive this."

7. Personalization

When you catch yourself comparing yourself to others, remind yourself that everyone has strong and weak points. By matching your weak points to others with corresponding strong points, you are just looking for ways to demoralize yourself.

If you assume that the reactions of others are often about you, force yourself to check it out. Maybe the reason the boss is frowning isn't that you're late. Make no conclusion unless you are satisfied that you have reasonable evidence and proof.

8. Shoulds

Reexamine and question any personal rules or expectations that include the words should, ought, or must. Flexible rules and expectations don't use these words because there are always exceptions and special circumstances. Think of at least three exceptions to your rule, and then imagine all the exceptions there must be that you can't think of. You may get irritated when people don't act according to your values. But your personal values are just that-personal. They may work for you, but, as missionaries have discovered all over the world, they don't always work for others. People aren't all the same. The key is to focus on each person's uniqueness-his or her particular needs, limitations, fears, and pleasures. Because it is impossible to know all of these complex interrelations, even with intimates, you can't be certain whether your values apply to another. You are entitled to an opinion, but allow for the possibility of being wrong. Also, allow for other people to find different things important.